The Book I Didn’t Want to Read (But Had To): bell hooks' "All About Love"

Most reading lists for men in transition are predictable: a blend of Stoic grit and Spartan endurance. They teach you how to survive, but not necessarily how to heal. As much as I want to be "hard", I want to build a fortress around myself so that I will never be hurt by a life transition like this again.

I picked up All About Love by bell hooks.

To be honest, the title alone felt "too soft" for where I am. I’m a forty-year-old man navigating a divorce; I didn't think I needed a primer on love. I thought I already knew what it was. I was wrong.

Redefining the Verb

The most transformative takeaway from hooks is her insistence that love is an act, not a feeling.

She defines love as "the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth."  Reading that in a quiet house after twenty years of love hit me like a physical weight. I started to look back and ask: Was I "loving" in my marriage, or was I just "functioning"? Was I nurturing growth, or was I just maintaining a status quo?

As a man, we are often taught that providing and protecting is the love. hooks challenges us to see that if there isn't a conscious effort toward growth—both for your partner and yourself—then it isn't the "love" we think it is.

Loving Yourself While Solo

There is a chapter in the book about self-love that felt like it was written specifically for a man sitting in the wreckage of a divorce. hooks argues that many of us seek out relationships just to hide from our own inability to be alone with ourselves.

It forced me to look at my "solo" status not as a punishment, but as a mandatory training ground. If I can't nurture my own "spiritual growth" (or mental health, or physical discipline) while I’m alone, I’m just waiting for someone else to come along and do the heavy lifting for me.

Stronger Solo became more than a fitness goal after this book. it became a requirement for being a healthy human being.

The Lesson for Fatherhood

This book changed how I walk into the living room to see my kids. hooks writes about how "love and abuse cannot coexist." While most of us think of abuse as something extreme, she talks about the smaller ways we withhold love or use power to control our children instead of nurturing them.

It made me realize that to be a "Stronger Solo" dad, I will have to be a more vulnerable dad. I have to show my kids that strength isn't just about lifting weights in the basement at 5:00 AM; it's about the courage to be honest, to apologize when I’m wrong, and to love them in a way that helps them grow into themselves—not just who I want them to be.

The Verdict

All About Love isn't a "soft" book. It is a rigorous, challenging, and sometimes painful look in the mirror. It’s "Iron for the Heart."

If you’re rebuilding after a relationship, don't just read the books about how to be a "tough guy." Read the books that teach you how to be a "whole man."